Do you work all day and have no time or energy to find out what's going on in the world? Do you get bored and impatient watching TV anchors tell you over and over what's going on? Do you sometimes care more about what Britney Spears is doing than what President Bush said during his State of the Union address? If you answered yes to even one of these questions this is what you've been waiting for! Every week I'm going to give you a quick rundown of the past week's biggest headlines. I won't bore you with minute details and shove tons of information down your throats. These are just the facts with a little humor for measure! And if you want to know more you can always just Google it or ask me.
High and Low Notes:
This section is devoted to any and all who have brought music to the masses. The King of Pop, Mr. Michael Jackson, has not been having a great week, and that’s a lot to say considering his past issues. The 25th anniversary re-release of “Thriller” tanked. No one seems to care anymore. And his Neverland ranch is up on auction because he never made his payments on it. If you have little boys lock your doors…Jacko may be looking for a place to stay! Madonna’s new album will soon be released and the title is “Hard Candy”. The title may symbolize how’s she’s strong on the outside and sweet on the inside, but I bet she’s pretty hard all around! Let’s see if Queen M’s still got it! As I promised last week, once I got my hands on the Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Affleck video I would share it would my loyal readers. So here’s the gem: http://perezhilton.com/2008-02-25-hes-fucking-ben-affleck. Personally I think the Silverman/Damon video was more original, but this new video is way big-time and quite impressive! JLo and Marc Anthony have released their twin babies’ names…Max and Emme. I was expecting a little more Latin flare personally.
P to the R to the E to the S:
In preparation for the 2nd most exciting Tuesday in the presidential race things stayed just as exciting as they have been. Tuesday, March 4th Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont are holding their primaries. This could make or break Hillary Clinton’s campaign. Just to spice things up Ralph Nader decided that neither Clinton nor Barack Obama had any chance to win, despite many a popular vote, and has entered the race. Personally I think that’s a cop out…skip all the debates and the primaries and caucuses and expect the respect…I don’t think so. Then again this is his 5th run for the office so maybe he’s just tired. If he does make it though he will be the oldest candidate in the race, beating McCain by 2 years. Mike Bloomberg officially said he would not be running. There goes my dream ticket of Bloomberg and Schwarzenegger. The set of Saturday Night Live has been the place to be lately. Obviously if you want to prove that you can run the U.S. going on a comedy sketch show is the way to go. Mike Huckabee was on last week and poked fun at his inability to realize he needs to drop out of the GOP race, and Clinton, still grabbing for any chance to prove she’s personable, went on and confronted her SNL body double (Amy Poehler). And in case SNL doesn’t round up the troops for Clinton she’s always got her buddy Jack Nicholson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mOa3sXjqE4. Maybe instead of fake characters they could make a video with real people saying those things…just a thought. John McCain got past the NY Times scandal but is now dealing with questions regarding the eligibility of his birthplace (the Panama Canal). And Clinton and Obama keep going at…one minute their cordial and the next they’re enemies. Let’s see what happens Tuesday…we may know who the final race will be between!!!
Serious Relationships:
Nothing is more stable and serious than Hollywood relationships. This past week some new couples have emerged while others are in the process of ending. The surprise couple of the week is model and tsunami survivor Petra Nemcova and actor Sean Penn. Penn is in the midst of divorcing his wife and I guess is looking for emotional support. What better place than in the arms of a swimsuit model?!? Pop singing sensations Rihanna and Chris Brown have begun secretly dating. It must be serious if they refuse to be photographed together. Maybe Drew Barrymore and “the Mac guy” Justin Long need to take a clue from them and stop spreading their love all over the place. Has no one learned from Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey? Pamela Anderson is going through with her divorce from “winner” Rick Solomon. But instead of a divorce she’s asking for an annulment. I guess even Pammie doesn’t want to be known as the woman with 3 divorces. After a bitter rift in their friendship Paris Hilton decided the best way to make up is to start dating Nicole Richie’s baby daddy’s brother Benji Madden. How did 2 tattooed, punk singing, anti-establishment boys end up with Hollywood socialites?
News Potpourri:
I'll leave you with some quick news tidbits that couldn't fit either here or there so they're getting their own paragraph! Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney’s younger pregnant sister, passed her GED. Now instead of being a pop star with nothing serious to fall back on she’ll be a teenage mom with a degree she won’t have time to use! I will give her credit though…at least she’s trying. Britney has been lying low...seeing her kids, taking meds and teaching dance class. Prince Harry, England’s 3rd in line to the throne, has secretly been serving in Afghanistan. He’s publicly discussed wanting to be on the frontlines but was considered to be a major target and a danger to his fellow troops. So he went unbeknownst to the world, due to a media embargo, on December 11th. Unfortunately the newspapers didn’t want to keep it a secret anymore, and he’s been forced to return. Starbucks closed most of its locations this past Tuesday for 3 hours to reteach their baristas how to make the perfect coffee and provide better service. And guess what…nothing has changed! In a truly historic moment the NY Philharmonic traveled to North Korea to perform for the people. Communist North Korea is insanely private and no one really knows what goes on there. And although some reporters were allowed to travel with the musicians there were strict rules about what could be taped and reported back to the U.S. so there’s not much new information other than it’s a poor, communist nation under the rule of a crazy dictator. An extended trailer for the “Sex And They City” movie has leaked. Check it out here: http://jezebel.com/359633/extended-sex-and-the-city-trailer-carrie-gets-jilted-lol. Paris Hilton is getting a new reality show. Seriously. She’s looking for a new best friend now that Nicole’s a momma and Britney fell of the deep end. She’s hoping to find some one real and not Hollywood…a.k.a. someone to make her feel even better about herself. Although glaciers are melting and the O-Zone is disappearing this was the coldest winter on Earth since 1966. Somewhere Al Gore is crying, without showing any emotion, and blowing his nose into a recycled tissue. And if adopting from every country wasn’t enough Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided that every natural born child will be born somewhere outside the U.S. as well. Rumor has it that they bought a place in Southern France, in honor of Jolie’s French mom, and plan to welcome their next child there.
I hope this gives you an idea of what's going on in the world. Buck up…it's not so bad! You now have a 5th presidential candidate to potentially vote for and Paris may finally find the friend she’s always been longing for. All is right with the world!
Now go and have an intellectually stimulating conversation with your neighbor about what you've just learned.
~t
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