Do you work all day and have no time or energy to find out what's going on in the world? Do you get bored and impatient watching TV anchors tell you over and over what's going on? Do you sometimes care more about what Britney Spears is doing than what President Bush said during his State of the Union address? If you answered yes to even one of these questions this is what you've been waiting for! Every week I'm going to give you a quick rundown of the past week's biggest headlines. I won't bore you with minute details and shove tons of information down your throats. These are just the facts with a little humor for measure! And if you want to know more you can always just Google it or ask me.
The ‘O’ Effect:
What can’t Oprah do? Talk show…#1, book club picks…#1, magazine…#1. The Big O premiered her latest television venture with “The Big Give” an apprentice-like show based on doing good. And guess what…it came in first place in its time slot! But now she’s taken it too far. She’s spreading her do-gooding ways onto the youth of Hollywood. Instead of getting drunk and ending up in jail, young celebrities are trying to make the world a better place. Scarlett Johansson is auctioning off a date with her to raise money for Oxfam (an organization devoted to fighting poverty and injustice across the globe). The date will include the chance to accompany her to the premiere of her next movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" in Los Angeles in June, and Minnie Driver is auctioning off a $100,000 lunch date for Oxfam as well. Drew Barrymore just donated $1 million of her own money to the UN World Food Programme to feed starving children in Africa. Reese Witherspoon has taken a side job as Avon’s Global Ambassador and was at the UN headquarters promoting the “Women’s Empowerment Bracelet” as a way to raise money to prevent and reduce violence against women worldwide. Next thing you know Paris Hilton will actually act on her post-jail words and give back to the global community…or maybe not :p
Campaign Roller Coaster:
March 4th did not disappoint and was just as exciting as the rest of the presidential campaign. Hillary Clinton proved yet again that the Clintons are like Twinkies and cockroaches…not even a nuclear bomb could take them out! After showing her more human side on SNL and the Daily Show Clinton swept Ohio, Rhode Island and Texas insuring her spot in the Democratic presidential race. Barack Obama won Vermont, but was definitely a little shell-shocked. He’s beginning to lose his golden-boy luster with the media. John McCain swept the Republican primaries. Mike Huckabee finally dropped out of the race making McCain the presumptive nominee. I will give Huckabee credit for sticking to his guns though. Technically Ron Paul is still in the race…but I emphasize technically cause he has an insignificant percentage of the delegates. Now it’s up to McCain to pick a vice president, and it looks like Florida Governor Charlie Crist, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, Utah Governor Jon Huntsman Jr. and even Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice have all been rumored as potential running mates.
It’s not all Rainbows and Smiley Faces:
Being a celebrity isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. They have bad days just like us mere mortals, but their bad days are so much more dramatic and interesting to read about! Will Ferrell went on a huge promotional tour for his new movie “Semi-Pro”. He put on his super short track shorts, teased out the fro and sharpened his b-ball skills, but all his hard work didn’t pay off. The movie didn’t do nearly as well as expected. If an incarcerated husband, recurring drug and alcohol problem and several impending trials weren’t bad enough Amy Winehouse has just been diagnosed with impetigo (a bacterial skin infection characterized by blisters that may itch). Patrick Swayze, the reason every girl went to summer camp and took up pottery, has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic cancer is one of the most fatal forms of the disease and the survival rates are very low. Thoughts and prayers. In the ultimate sense of irony, “Smile” singer Lilly Allen is being treated for depression. After a miscarriage and failed relationship Allen seems to be having trouble taking her own advice.
News Potpourri:
I'll leave you with some quick news tidbits that couldn't fit either here or there so they're getting their own paragraph! Matt Damon and his super lucky (she was a cocktail waitress in Miami when she met Damon) wife Luciana announced that they are expecting their 2nd child together. NYC’s Times Square is blowing up. No really…somebody through a bomb at a military recruiting center in the heart of the square. Luckily no one was hurt. Police are reviewing all the surveillance tapes and are hoping to find the culprit. The Village Voice’s Michael Musto decided to do his own take on Lindsay Lohan’s Marilyn Monroe pictorial. Check it out…I think Musto’s got one up on Ms. Lohan:
http://www.villagevoice.com/gallery/0810,0810marilynmusto,350230,30.html. In case you didn’t get enough of Lohan in the nude, her family is coming out with a reality show for E! Entertainment Television. The show, “Living Lohan” will follow the Lohan matriarch, Dina, as she helps Lindsay’s younger siblings Ali and Cody become “stars”. Maybe now we’ll be able to see why Lindsay is such a mess. Wisconsin’s biggest cheesehead, Green Bay Packer’s star quarterback Brett Favre, announced that he is retiring from football. Favre has every imaginable quarterback record and will definitely be missed in the sport. Janet Jackson proved that she’s still got it. Her new album, “Discipline”, debuted at #1. Not to be outdone Madonna is being inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame. Jamie Spears, Britney’s dad, was just given an extension on his conservatorship over his daughter until July 31st. Last Sunday Russia held a truly democratic and honest election, NOT!, and the new president is Dmitry Medvedev. Former President Vladimir Putin has been grooming Medvedev for the position and made sure the people “voted” for him. Anna Nicole is back in the news. Anna’s daughter Dannielynn is officially her sole heir and may one day receive the money that Anna fought so hard to get from her deceased geriatric husband, and the Anna Nicole biopic is coming to theatres near you. Here’s the trailer (it’s as trashy as she was): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEon9IGYabM.
I hope this gives you an idea of what's going on in the world. Buck up…it's not so bad! The Lohans are coming to a TV near you and Oprah is continuing her world domination. All is right with the world!
Now go and have an intellectually stimulating conversation with your neighbor about what you've just learned.
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