Do you work all day and have no time or energy to find out what's going on in the world? Do you get bored and impatient watching TV anchors tell you over and over what's going on? Do you sometimes care more about what Britney Spears is doing than what President Bush said during his State of the Union address? If you answered yes to even one of these questions this is what you've been waiting for! Every week I'm going to give you a quick rundown of the past week's biggest headlines. I won't bore you with minute details and shove tons of information down your throats. These are just the facts with a little humor for measure! And if you want to know more you can always just Google it or ask me.
How Not to Parent:
So the presidential elections are going full steam ahead, but I’m more interested in electing the “Parents of the Year”. I am in quite a dilemma though. There is the Spears clan…simple country bumpkins from East Bumble, Louisiana. Their eldest daughter is of course our all-time favorite pop star turned bipolar train wreck Ms. Britney Spears, and their youngest is 16-year-old, Nickelodeon star turned teenage mom Jamie Lynn. The California legal system is finally thinking clearly and has not only extended Britney’s dad’s conservatorship over her, but also her older brother is now in charge of her estate. Now that her father is keeping a close eye Britney seems to be taking her medication, is no longer hanging out with shady/money grubbing “friends” and is keeping a seemingly low profile. She’s even been dancing at a studio and teaching little kids how to dance as well. I know…since when is it safe for a bipolar woman who’s not allowed to see her own kids to be around other people’s children? My only answer is it’s L.A…. they’ll do anything to associate with fame. My other candidates for “Parents of the Year” are the complete opposite of the Spears. Kathy and Rick Hilton are wealthy N.Y. socialites, yet they can’t really seem to keep their kids in check either. Paris…need I say more? Nicky already has one quickie Las Vegas marriage under her belt. And now Barron, the 3rd of the Hilton children (don’t worry there are only 4) has decided to announce his presence to the world. Barron was arrested at 8:04 a.m. for driving under the influence. Did I mention Barron is 18 years old? Even Paris waited till her mid-twenties to get drunk and drive! But like a good older sister Paris refused to bail him out when he called her from jail…she wanted him to learn a lesson. Hmm…maybe instead of learning in jail he could learn from a responsible sister and actively involved parents (just a thought).
In Honor of President’s Day:
Now that John McCain is officially the front-runner for the GOP nomination the endorsements are coming from every direction. Mitt Romney officially endorsed his former competitor…I smell VP action here! Former President Bush and his other son, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, have also endorsed the Maverick. Hillary Clinton kept on crying on the campaign trail but to no avail. And not to be outdone Barack Obama showed that he’s ready for the job by winning a Grammy for “Spoken Word Book”. There were also some primaries. The Potomac Primaries were held on February 12th and consisted of Washington D.C., Maryland and Virginia. McCain and Obama won all 3. Mike Huckabee is still holding on. He won’t give up till the Republican convention decides the obvious…McCain is their nominee. Where it’s really heating up is between Clinton and Obama. Mrs. Clinton called out Obama for talking the talk, but not walking the walk saying, “talk is cheap”. They’re also fighting over superdelegates! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it’s Superdelegate! What is a superdelegate? Superdelegates, a mainly Democratic party term, are primarily members of government and party elders who are free to back any candidate they choose and help choose the party’s nominee. And you thought politics were boring?!?
News Potpourri:
I'll leave you with some quick news tidbits that couldn't fit either here or there so they're getting their own paragraph! Uno, the world’s cutest beagle after Snoopy, won the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Like any celebrity he did his promotional tour hitting all the major talk shows and even ringing the opening bell on Wall Street. Stamps are going up in price by $.01 in May bringing the final price to a whopping $.42. So if I were you I would stock up on my Forever stamps pronto! There was another school shooting. Steven Kazmierczak, a 27-year-old grad student killed five people and himself at Northern Illinois University. He didn’t seem to have a motive, but apparently he had some severe mental problems and stopped taking his antidepressant medication because it mad him feel like a zombie. Mariah Carey’s new album is coming soon so she decided to show her other side…her more intelligent side. The album’s title is “E=MC2”, and the first single is called “Touch My Body”…I wonder if that’s one of Einstein’s lesser-known theories? There was a rumor that singer Fergie was pregnant…but that was debunked about 3 seconds later when she showed up at the Grammys in a skintight dress. It’s a dark day for technology. Polaroid announced that it will no longer make the infamous instant-film camera due to technological advances. Man are they ahead of the times. “Fool’s Gold” with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey came in 1st at the box office proving 2 hot blondes can sell even the worst movie, while “The Hottie and the Nottie” with Paris Hilton tanked proving that 1 hot blonde does not a blockbuster make. The most exciting thing to happen in our nation’s capital this past week was Roger Clemens’ and Brian McNamee’s testimony in front of the House on the use of steroids and human growth hormones (HGH)…this is where your tax money goes. The gist of the testimony was this…Clemens-“I didn’t take steroids/HGH”; McNamee-“He did take steroids/HGH”. Now that you know the truth doesn’t it all make sense? Beatle Paul McCartney and gold-digger Heather Mills have yet to reach a settlement in what is potentially the most expensive divorce in British history; a judge will now decide for them. Kosovo (here’s a map for those who have no idea where it is… http://www.un.org/spanish/works/emergencies/kosovo.jpg) was declared an independent and sovereign state (the U.S. and UN are happy, but Serbia and Russia are p*ssed off…no one ever said becoming independent was going to be easy).
I hope this gives you an idea of what's going on in the world. Buck up…it's not so bad! Kosovo is finally free and Britney may finally be back to normal. All is right with the world!
Now go and have an intellectually stimulating conversation with your neighbor about what you've just learned.
~t
No comments:
Post a Comment